MR. Coffee defiant as U.S. airstrikes begin

Mr. Coffee (left) meeting with the head of his secret police organization

A spokesman for Mr. Coffee released a statement, Wednesday, saying that Mr. Coffee was "confident, optimistic and excited about the prospects of his guerilla forces against the United States Marines' Expeditionary Unit. Wednesday morning's airstrikes are said to have destroyed much of the left-wing guerilla forces' ability to fight. Despite that, however, Mr. Coffee continues to defy the president's call for his surrender to authorities.
Speaking from the Republic of Tea's capitol city, the Earl of Grey has commended the president's willingness to destroy the rebel uprising. In addition to U.S. military deployments, the Earl has also announced the deployment of the elite, U.S.-trained "People's Green Berets."

Cruise missiles launched as war with Republic of Tea begins

A Mr. Coffee training camp is the target of a U.S. launched cruise missile early Wednesday morn

Early Wednesday morning, the opening salvos of Tea War II were launched by the Abraham Lincoln Battlegroup stationed in the Pacific Ocean. The initial cruise missile attacks were aimed at guerilla training camps and bases. The "shock and awe" campaign that started on Wednesday will be followed up by an amphibious landing on the beaches of the island nation. There is no word on the bomb damage assessment of the initial attack, but U.S. CENTCOM Commander General Tommy Franks is reported to be optimistic.

Everybody get your war on!

Several weeks have passed since the thwarted assassination attempt on the president, but he doesn't seem to care. When asked in a press conference yesterday if he planned a war on Mr. Coffee, the president replied, "Oh crap, I forgot!" That statement was followed several hours later announcing that the United States would be going to war with Mr. Coffee's Marxist guerilla forces on Thursday, March 20. Although the president is keeping his war plans close to the vest, there are reports of Stealth bombers as well as B-52 and B-1 bombers taking off from their respective bases around the country. Mr. Coffee released a statement Wednesday morning stating that the president is a war criminal, a pervert, and the Earl of Grey's "buttboy." When asked to comment on the matter, Secretary of Defense Oliver North responded by saying, "He won't be making any comments like that when he's nothing more than a dusting of nuclear fallout." The president has not commented on the matter.

Boom!

Mr. Coffee is believed to be hiding in the seaside town of Guama

In the seaside town of Guava, American Special Forces troops paradropped onto the beach to begin what the Pentagon is calling "Operation No More Bad Guys." The paradrop is the first act in a war with Mr.. Coffee and his band of Marxist guerillas in the Republic of Tea. Mr.. Coffee is thought to be trapped somewhere in the city thanks to the shelling the area has received by US and Republic of Tea naval vessels. There have been reports of street fighting in the small village, but there have been no American casualties as of yet. The president will be addressing the nation sometime tomorrow. The war is the result of an assassination attempt against the president due to the US army's defeat of Mr.. Coffee last year. In a statement released earlier today, Mr. Coffee has called the president a "war criminal," and a "terrorist." Press Secretary John Rocker released a statement afterwards saying, "It takes one to know one."

Enter supporting content here