Newsroom & Events

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Newsroom & Events

Edward Picks Carrey!

Democratic Nominee John Edward has chosen Jim Carrey to be his vice presidential running mate.During a Noon press conference, Edward said that the "spirits summoned Jim's face, and I saw with complete clarity that they were telling me to pick him." Carrey wowed reporters with a cadre of impressions and antics. At one point he recited a quote from president Murphy, then presented the Democratic "rebuttal" during which he made his anus appear to speak. The president called the event "shameful."

Vice President T Awards Medal of Honor to George W. Bush

Vice President T awarded the Congressional medal of Honor to Texas Governor George W. Bush during a Monday ceremony. The medal was awarded to the governor for his tireless efforts to patrole the skies of Texas during the Vietnam War. "Nobody ever asks, who was protecting America while people like me and the A Team were fighting the Viet Cong. I'm here to announce today that Georgw Bush was, fools! That's why I'm giving him this medal," said the Vice President.

Democrats Nominate John Edward

In a stunning move, the Democratic Party nominated a man with absolutely no political experience for the presidency. Medium and new age guru John Edward wowed the delegates to the convention when he started to recite the names of dead presidents and celebrities who were supporting him. "I just talked to Woodrow Wilson and FDR before coming out here. Thay are behind me one hundred percent," Edward told a stunned crowd. "I also talked to the late Jimmy Stewart, and he thinks that my nomination is a great idea." While unorthodox, the nomination of a candidate with no political expericnce is not uncommon. "I may know nothing about politics, but I do know this, President Murphy can't wow people by talking to the dead relatives of average Americans like I can." When asked to comment on the Edward nomination, the president just laughed while taking drinks from a bottle of Jack Daniels. "I'm going to spend the rest of the campaign drunk," the president said. "I'll still beat that blow hole in November."

Hippies: Make Love Not War

Hey, man, like war is not good, dude. If the Republic of Tea wants to fight, it's their business. All we're saying is that the US should stay out of the area. Look, the solution is simple, man: Stop making war, and make love. This will be such a better place if we all learn to love one another, dude. War kills, while love making breeds new life. The only solution to hate is love, dude. We must breed a new generation and dedicate them to peace and brotherhood throughout the world. We have more to say, but, like we forgot it, man.

President: While You're Busy Fucking, I'm Going To Bomb You!

Make love, not war? Fine, you dirty bastards. You go along with that plan. Just keep on fucking. While you're busy doing that, I'll be over here planning an air strike. While you're busy fucking, I'm going to bomb you! I'll wipe your dirty-ass commune off the face of the earth. And when there's nothing left but rubble and your incenerated remains, I'll bomb that too. You just go right on ahead loving everyone, I'll destroy you all. You suck!