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ALL HAIL POPE COCKBLOCK!
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| Newly elected Pope Cockblock I. |
After a short deliberation, the electors of the Catholic Church names Marco Izzoantonio as the new Pope this morning. "Pope
Cockblock I" met with throngs of worshipers outside the Vatican just hours after a stream of white smoke signaled his
election to the Papacy.
Pope Cockblock will be instrumental in curbing cases of sexual abuse among Catholic preists. "I
will keepa de perverts from atouching the little ones," the new pope said this morning. President Murphdawg expressed
delight upon hearing the news that Izzoantonio had been elected pope. "Hopefully, he can work with the cardinals to make
sure that Catholic priests are drunks rather than perverts." The president expresse4d interest in Izzoantonio yesterday,
saying that the Catholic Cardinal would make the perfect pontif. It is unknown what part Secretary of State Joe Pesci and
the CIA had in the election, but it is known that both the Sec State and several CIA officers were onhand during the election.
In a completely unrelated story, several Cardinals emerged from a meeting with Secretary Pesci with broken legs. Both the
Cardinals and Mr. Pesci refused to comment on the matter.
President Calls For Pope's Resignation; Pope Resigns
While speaking to reporters this morning, the president urged Pope John Paul II to resign. "As a Catholic, I think the
Pope should resign so someone younger, less frail, and who sounds less like Marlon Brando can take over."
The president
went on to say that he will be happy to send a team of CIA officers to the Vatican to oversee the election of the new pope
once John Paul resigned. When asked who the president favored to be the new pontif, he expressed his support for Italian
cardinal Marco Izzoantonio.
Upon hearing the news, the Pope met with his cardinals in a secret Vatican meeting that ended
with the Pope announcing his resignation from a Vatican balcony. Millions around the world are broken-hearted to see the
pope go, but all eagerly await the election of the new Catholic leader. As the president promised, a team of CIA officers
from the agency's "Religous Intimidation" division as well as Sec State Joe Pesci are on their way to Rome as we
speak
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